It’s Friday, the last of my non-work days for the school year, and I’m sitting here after breakfast, sipping coffee and reflecting.
I know it’s been a while, Blogland, and there’s good(?) reason. The not-so-good reason is my ongoing obsession with Horizon Forbidden West. Another reason was Spring Break (we’ll catch up on that soon). But the biggest reason is… I started treatment for ADHD.
The week I started taking my meds I happened to have one of the worst migraines in recent history, which (long story short) led to a dental issue that had me in pretty bad pain for a week. I’m good now, it was much easier to resolve than I feared, and all is well. But it made my first week on meds pretty atypical. I couldn’t really properly analyze how the meds were affecting me while I was in so much pain.
So this week was my first full week on meds without pain. And I’m having a LOT of thoughts about it.
Day one (pre-migraine) was euphoric. Within two hours of taking my meds I noticed that I could focus. I was reading, and there were NO OTHER THOUGHTS in my brain except for what I was reading. There wasn’t a constant conversation happening in my brain, there was no music playing in the background. It was just quiet. It was so relaxing, which then made me emotional because I was faced, for the first time, with proof of just how EXHAUSTING it is for me to exist. This silence? This calm? This is how neurotypical people feel? They get to just walk around the world in peace? And they don’t even realize it????
It was a weird, rollercoaster day.
Since then, I’ve settled. I still notice when the meds kick in, because my constant internal monologue fades away to silence, but it isn’t as mind-blowing or earth-shattering as it was that first day. When they wear off it’s a similar feeling — the monologue comes back, first a whispered sentence or two until it’s back to its usual volume. It’s starting to feel “normal”. But now that I’ve spent a work week on meds, I can really see how being medicated could change my life.
For instance, my students notice that I am “more put together” than I used to be. “Less frantic,” they say. I am able to pick a task, start it, and *gasp* FINISH IT! I have been pretty productive at work this week, when previously doing any sort of work was a challenge. An argument that I had to have with myself every day.
One of the side effects of my particular medication is appetite suppression. I won’t lie, I was sort of looking forward to this side effect because I historically have a very difficult relationship with food. Boredom eating was very much a thing for me. I would get hangry within two to three hours of the last time I ate. I felt like my whole day revolved around food — what am I eating and when? I always joked that while I’m eating lunch, I’m fantasizing about dinner.
So, has that changed with the meds? Well, I do experience appetite suppression. I’m usually pretty hungry first thing in the morning, before the meds kick in, and I make a point to listen to that craving. Because once the meds hit, I won’t feel hungry for most of the day.
Now, due to the whole, needing to eat every 2-3 hours thing, I already had an eating routine in place at work. I know what to eat at what time during my workday. And while I still follow it, I find that I’m eating substantially less. Instead of a banana, followed by a yogurt, then an applesauce, then lunch, then a cheese snack and then an apple, I’m eating a banana and lunch and *maybe* a cheese snack… but that’s just because I love cheese so damn much.
And then I would come home and snack until the husband gets home so we can start making dinner. Literally, I ate. all. day.
But this week? I haven’t snacked once. That time spent waiting for Trevor? I’ve been working out.
Yep. Working out. Exercising. A thing I haven’t done consistently since… the pandemic? And it’s not a chore! I get home and I’m excited to play Beat Saber and work up a sweat. WHAT?! What alternate timeline is this?
Oh, right. The one in which I am medicated for my neurological condition.
And not being constantly starving makes it much easier to eat proper portions. I’m back to using Weight Watchers (which worked really well for me pre-pandemic) and I’m hopeful that I can better commit to it now that I’m not obsessively snacking.
I am also incredibly motivated to do things. Today I woke up, enjoyed some leisure time reading fanfic while Trev got ready for work, then got up, emptied the dishwasher, and cooked myself breakfast. COOKED BREAKFAST (scrambled eggs with spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms and onion, btw — it was delicious).
After writing this, I plan to load the dishwasher, fold laundry, run some errands, repot my houseplants, and maybe wash my car if I have time. Will I get all of these things done? Probably not. But the important part is this: these are things I WANT to accomplish today. Not chores looming over me that I’m dreading.
I feel… new? But not really. I’m not new, I’m still me. I can conjure a song to hum and I still sway on my feet when I’m anxious and tap my nails when I’m listening to music. But I’m… lighter? Unshackled? I don’t know how to describe it other than to say it is really really really good.
So, that’s part of where I’ve been. It isn’t all of it, there’s still some things I struggle with (i.e. managing hyperfocus obsession projects versus other projects that need attention), but this is undoubtedly an improvement.
So, from here, I’m finishing my coffee, working out, and then choring it up. Sorry for the radio silence the last couple of months. I can’t guarantee it will get better, but I’m here. I’m around. I wrote a TON in March (fanfic, whoops!). It’s just a matter of time until my focus returns to the big projects I’m avoiding. I just wanted to give you an update.
Until later, Bloggarts.
BZ
