Okay, yes. It’s been a little bit longer than six months since I started taking medication for my ADHD. But only by a couple of weeks!
This month is always a hectic one, and 2022 has offered no shortage of surprises so far. So I thought it’d be nice to take a step back and look at how these past six-ish months have gone, ADHD-wise.
This would be a good opportunity for you to read my initial post about my ADHD treatment journey, if you missed that from way back in April.
What's It Like?
Six months in, my meds are still very effective. I don’t notice the transition in the mornings or afternoons as much anymore, I don’t notice the quiet in my brain like I did those first couple of weeks. It was so foreign to me then, a novelty that couldn’t be ignored. But now it is relief and calm. When my meds are in effect, my brain is a blank slate and I can put just about anything I want there, and I’ll actually get it done.
I will say, the meds are not a miracle drug – even though it felt like it at first. There are still tasks that I hate and have to cajole myself into doing. I can still struggle with motivation and follow-through, just not to the extent I used to. I will still hyperfocus on certain things and struggle to balance my interests with my responsibilities.
But for the most part I am much calmer. I can pick a task, start it, and then see it through to completion, often in one sitting. That in and of itself feels like a miracle.
Benefits
There are a lot of things I could talk at length about, so let me give you the condensed version:
- Focus
- ADHD is not a lack of focus, it is a lack of control of your focus. My meds put me in control of where I put my energy and attention and that is revolutionary for me.
- Energy
- I’ve found that, even once my meds wear off for the day, I am still able to control my focus better than if I took no meds at all. My theory is that, because I am not constantly having to fight with my brain to accomplish things during the day, I have more energy in the evenings to corral my brain into doing things when the meds wear off.
- Anxiety
- My psychologist diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety and ADHD back in April, though he did say my anxiety probably developed in response to my ADHD which is apparently common in girls. The good news is that I think I am somewhat less anxious when my meds are in effect. Mainly because the constant narration in my brain is muted when I’m on my meds, which lets me work through my anxieties in a calmer state. So that’s nice!
Drawbacks
Believe it or not, there are some negatives to consider:
- Comedown.
- Basically, once my meds wear off for the day, it’s as if all that inattention and distractibility has been stored up and it all comes careening out at once. To the point where I begin to irritate myself. I get frustrated with my sudden inability to focus or sit quietly. I find myself very annoying sometimes and then start wondering how people put up with me unmedicated. Not a great mental state.
- Missed Doses.
- So, as an ADHDer, sometimes I forget to take my meds. It isn’t a common occurence, but it does happen. And let me tell you, it sucks. I get very irritable and mood-swingy when I miss two or more consecutive days. I don’t think this is a withdrawal sort of thing, I think it’s a return to my old emotional patterns pre-medication, which is depressing. Life before meds was so much harder than I ever knew, y’all.
- So, as an ADHDer, sometimes I forget to take my meds. It isn’t a common occurence, but it does happen. And let me tell you, it sucks. I get very irritable and mood-swingy when I miss two or more consecutive days. I don’t think this is a withdrawal sort of thing, I think it’s a return to my old emotional patterns pre-medication, which is depressing. Life before meds was so much harder than I ever knew, y’all.
- Appetite.
- While the appetite suppression has settled a little and I’ve acclimated to eating less, I also have to be VERY mindful about what I eat and when due to a blood sugar issue I’ve recently been diagnosed with. When appetite suppression started, I was kind of excited to care less about eating and not to feel hungry ALL the time. But, because I was eating so infrequently, we learned about my reactive hypoglycemia and now I’m thinking about my diet more than ever before. RIP.
- Prescriptions.
- Methylphenidate is a Schedule II drug, which means there’s a lot of rules around how much I possess at any one time. I have to remember to order it every month and there’s been a lot of months where I was on my last pill or two when the next bottle came. My other prescriptions are in 3-month supply, so this constant ordering is new and not my fave.
The Best Part
I’m hilariously bad at recognizing the effort I put into various tasks. I tend to be hypercritical of my work, particularly in regards to my effiiciency and output. So much so that it’s become a bit of a joke between my boss and I that I’m dissatisfied with my work ethic, and he’s giving me full marks on my reviews.
All of this is to say that it takes a lot of productivity for me to feel pleased, let alone proud. I always feel like I could do more.
But… not this year. I think this is by far the most productive year I’ve ever had. This year I’ve:
- Finished Something Sulfurous Revisions (Spring)
- Finished Destined to Drown rough draft (Winter/Spring)
- Finished Destined to Drown Revisions (Summer/Fall)
- Wrote/Submitted TEN (10!!!) new short pieces (Continuous)
- Started querying Something Sulfurous (Summer)
- Submitted Destined to Drown (Fall)
- Wrote an indeterminate amount of fanfiction (~65k+ words, Continuous)
- Currently on track (ish) to win my first Nanowrimo since 2017
All while maintaining the website, a newsletter, reading, participating in a critique group, and hosting/editing a podcast. And I have a pretty demanding day job. There’s a personal life in here somewhere too!
I have never had a year as productive as this. Not in the 10+ years I’ve been writing. Not ever. And the fact that this level of output coincides with the start of my ADHD medication? I don’t know about you, but it’s hard for me to think that’s a coincidence.
I remember being terrified those first couple of months that the silence in my brain would mean a lack of ideas. That characters wouldn’t come to me the way they used to and that my creativity would flounder in the face of treatment. Without even really meaning to, I had bought in to the idea that the key to my creativity was my neurodivergence. That without my disorderly brain, I would cease to write. 
But all those bullet points prove otherwise. They prove the exact opposite, actually. They prove that, when my brain is given room to breathe, it can not only come up with new ideas quickly, but it can then execute them to completion.
I think there’s something to be said here for discipline and the importance of having a writing practice when considering this list of accomplishments. Yes, meds helped me focus better when I sat in the chair and put words on the page. They no doubt aided in my output. But, if I didn’t alredy have a strong sense of discipline to write, if I didn’t already have a writing routine and practice, then that output would not have been quite so impressive.
This is a case where the tools and mechanisms I had in place – just to be able to do something! – created a foundation for all this new focus and energy to make the most of. So, while this year feels like a whirlwind of sudden, unexpected activity, it’s really the product of a decade of foundational practice and, of course, the meds to clear the way.
In Conclusion
Taking the leap and jumping through all the hoops to finally get a formal diagnosis of my ADHD and Anxiety has been life altering. There were a couple months where I had to take a step back and re-learn/adjust some routines as my brain chemistry changed, but my God has it been worth it.
I recognize that my treatment experience has been uncommonly simple. The first attempted dosage worked exceedingly well, but I know that often isn’t the case. If you’re struggling with your diagnoses or your prescriptions, please don’t give up! You deserve to feel this kind of internal peace. It’s worth it. I promise.
BZ
