This is it. The last Friday of my summer break. I go back to work on Monday… I have a lot of feelings about that. A lot of them are good. I’m excited to meet our new staff members and reunite with co-workers I haven’t seen since June. There will be tales of summer adventures, healing sunburns, and summer-bloomed freckles. And so many smiles.
But I can’t deny a building sense of dread. It isn’t the work itself that I’m dreading, I genuinely like my job. Buying and processing books, helping teens find their next favorite book, and working with our Associated Student Body to make our school a place kids want to be. These are all amazing things I get to do for 198 days a year.
But…
Going back to work means I’m no longer just a writer. It means that I have to schedule writing time into evenings and weekends and give the majority of my time to working for someone else 8 hours a day. This summer has been… revelatory. For the first time in maybe ever, I felt like a professional writer. I wrote, or worked on something writing related, every day. Let’s break it down:
This Summer I...
Finished revising a novel
Finished the rough draft of a novella
Started revising said novella
Wrote, revised, and submitted THREE short stories
Sold TWO stories
Completed the first round of proofs on a story releasing in September (!!!)
Subsequently became a SFWA (Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers Association) Associate Member
Wrote like 30 blog posts (!!)
Participated in my first twitter pitch event
Subsequently got a query request, which led to a full manuscript request (still pending as of this writing!)
Is that everything? It feels like a lot, so if I missed anything, oh well. Of course, all of this is just the writing related work. There was day-job work too, like meetings and planning sessions and a 25 hour long retreat with students (which was a blast!).
And there was some time for fun. Beach trips and river trips and swimming pools and a family reunion. Not as much outdoors time as I usually squeeze into the summer months, which I was lamenting about 2 hours ago. But, now that I’ve written this list of accomplishments? Nah. I’m feeling good about how I spent my summer.
Which brings me back to the dread.
Looming
Maybe it’s the nature of public education, but this is how I feel about the upcoming school year. It’s just… so long. So many months of my time and life spent doing wonderful work. But for the first time, it feels like a distraction? Something I HAVE to do, instead of want to do?
Because all I want to do is stay home and write. And revise. And submit. And query. And blog about all of it. And tweet with friends. And read. I fell into a routine that worked well and saw some incredible output this summer, and changing that? Sounds disastrous to me. A mistake.
But it’s one I can’t avoid. I have a mortgage to pay. A household to support. Health insurance to provide for myself and the spouse. Looking back, I also felt nervous and unenthused about retuning to work last summer. So maybe this is normal? Ughhhhhhh.
This anxiety has me feeling very unfocused today. I hate it. I’ve spent like three hours writing this post because I keep bouncing between this and social media and googling random questions that pop up in my brain. I’m anxious enough right now that it feels like my ADHD meds aren’t working. Even though they are. My brain is focused, it’s just focused on how anxious I am.
My brain right now.
Did I mention that an agent has my book? That an agent requested my full manuscript after reading my query, first three chapters, and a one-page synopsis? Because… they do and they did. And I’m trying not to freak out because I know getting close doesn’t mean getting an offer. It’s just like short story submissions. Being held for consideration doesn’t mean getting published. I know that.
But I’m excited and nervous all the same.
And it’s compounding with this work anxiety to make me feel a little extra untethered at the moment. Hence this ramble.
A Moment of Gratitude
Thanks for making it this far. Thanks for hanging out with me this summer. I’ll be posting on Mondays still (since I write the posts on Sundays) but the blog may slow down on non-goals content because I’m not going to have much time. I’ll do my best to keep the site active though, I promise. And the newsletter! I will continue with the newsletter and the podcast. Pinky promise.
God, I’m writing this like it’s a farewell. Like I’m going away. I’m not going anywhere but back to work. It’ll be fine.
