If you aren’t aware, the pandemic supply chain issues have led to shortage of many prescription medications. One of which has been ADHD treatments. I watched the wave of dwindling supply sweep through the various medications – Adderall went first, then Ritalin and its numerous variations. And so it reached me. Concerta is on back order with no ETA on when it will be available again.
As of this writing (Friday 12/23/22) This is my sixth consecutive day without my meds. The longest I’ve gone without them since April. I do not like it. I’ve grown too accustomed to having my focus on demand, to pointing my attention to whatever task and completing it.
That simply is not an option now. It’s taken me almost 45 minutes to write this much. My search history of the last hour includes such hits as “Van Gogh bipolar,” “grow light string lights,” and “vincent crows wheatfield.” I’m listening to Vincent and Theo by Deborah Heiligman in one ear as I write this, because I simply cannot do just one thing right now. Even though I know the listening is directly contributing to the distraction. Distraction is better than inaction.
It’s hard knowing that this was my life for 32 years. That I never understood how difficult it is to accomplish anything, how constantly I must fight my own mind to do simple tasks. I feel like a boomerang, chucked out with the hopes of accomplishing one thing, but inevitably drawn back regardless of my success. My day consists of constantly gathering my thoughts, like a pile of laundry and I’m dropping all the socks.
And now, having known the relief that is medication, I find myself incredibly frustrating. I get upset at my own inability focus. I can think, “oh, I need more coffee,” walk out to the kitchen with my mug, then get distracted by some chore. I’ll unload half the dishwasher, see a mug and remember my original purpose. Fill the mug, return to my desk.
The dishwasher stands open, half-full and forgotten.
When I return to the kitchen, I’m faced with the proof of my distractibility and then I get upset. How could I just leave the dishwasher like that? How does my spouse not strangle me? I can barely complete a sentence before getting distracted. God, I am so fucking irritating!
It is not a great time in my head right now. I’m coping by hyperfocusing on God of War, which has been lovely, but I can’t rely on it forever. Eventually I’ll beat the game. Eventually my enthusiasm for it will wane. And then what?
And if I don’t have meds by the New Year? By the time we’re back to work?
I shudder at the thought.
So here we are, over an hour into writing this post. It’s taken too long and too much effort. All because my brain is on back order.
BZ
